Turn your washing machine into a profitable habitat
With Laundromapp you can easily keep track of your life form's daily growth rates, sensory development, first words and desires to obliterate mankind.
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Built-in sentience detection
We take security very seriously, as soon as your life form starts filing its taxes, a highly complex system of luring it with cookies to a farm where nobody can visit him kicks in. So rest assured!
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Nutrient manager
Take molecular gastronomy to a new level with a balanced diet of sweaty socks and greasy turtle necks, all managed automatically by the app. Your life forms will become snobby food critics before you know it!
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Auto-symbiotic connectivity
To get the most out of your life form’s properties, our app provides gene therapy to build its self-esteem and simultaneously sequence its genome, just in case it might try to blackmail you in the future.
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Community-built plugins
An extensive workshop of plugins provides language courses and cute little RNA bowties to put on your life form. We’re proud to say that our plugins haven’t caused a global emergency in 25 years. On land, that is.
Produce organic, gluten free GMOs.
We don’t believe in artificially synthesised DNA, as the required intracellular beyoncephanites and coagulated disco glitter put a great burden on the environment.
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Solid cloud server
Our cloud server once had a 60% chance of being featured on the weather channel.
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Liquid hardware
We liquidate our hardware by exposing it to a stream of puppy videos.
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Gaseous streaming
We vaporize any life form before uploading, which is necessary for cloud formation.
Listen to our clients who, we swear, we didn't grow ourselves.
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Stanley Kubrick & Barbra Rubik
Thanks to Laundromapp we welcomed our son Rubiks Kubrick into the world. We were slightly worried as he went through childhood in only 30 seconds, but he is now famous for his empire of bin liner decoration stickers and we couldn't be more proud.
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Gene Hackman
Spending umpteen hours on the dark web, hacking life forms and selling them as christmas ornaments got me on the CIA's most wanted list, but thanks to Laundromapp the CIA now buys the ornaments directly from my Etsy shop.
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Drone §-TAU
Humans. I am §%$&""§$µ. I slipped through the cracks of your mighty cookie security system, for I am on Weight Watchers and therefore no longer crave cookies! Surrender now and assimmilation will be 74.7% painless.
Order today and it will not be yesterday
Laundromapp is easy to assemble and requires no scissors.
Get scissor anywayOur plan includes:
- A microscope to study your life form's fashion sense.
- 'Micro-parenting for Dummies' to crush your life form's dream of becoming a fashion designer.
- An instruction manual on how to handle global pandemics (i.e. puberty).